Bad Day

You know when you wake up in the morning and just don't want to get out of bed. Yeah! That was me this morning and I wished I could have stayed in bed today. Its only noon and today is already declared a bad day. I've got only a few more days on this truck and then I start working on day shift. I will have to get up early in the morning but I also be getting off work when the sun is still up. Down side is I don't get to stay up with my honey cutting back our time that we spend together. It won't be much of a cut so hopefully this will work out for the both of us. For now I'm counting down the hours till I get to go home tonight and have two days off!

Trying not to get my hopes up!!

You know when you were a kid and you about to do something really exciting. For some reason this exciting event is not able to take place. You remember how disappointed you were and upset this special event could not take place. So for me at that point of there being talk of something special. Something I've been through before but I'm sure this time will be more amazing. My fears of this special thing has gone away and I've learned from the first time around. Its just that I'm not sure if a person in my life is ready or ever going to be ready for this special little thing. So I'm trying not to be a kid and get all excited about something that has a zero chance of happening. It just so hard to not go crazy about this special little thing is so wonderful and it would be so amazing!! I'm getting excited talking about it now!! Hold it back trying to hold it all back!!

2009

Its almost the end of another year! Soon another one will begin and I will get older. Yay!! My divorce will probably be finally sometime in January. Start of the year will also be my one year anniversary of being with my boyfriend. This past year has been very eventful so I wonder what is going to take place this year. What I want to happen and what will happen are two different things. What I want to happen is getting a new house and getting pregnant. Yes I know thats a lot to ask for in one year. Is it going to happen? hehe No! Far from it! We will probably stay in the place we are now and I won't be getting pregnant. I wish I had a money tree in my back yard so I can do all the things that I want to do. Its not buying new cars or buying high price stuff all the time. Its just a house and be able to have a kids. Of course it would be even better if I could stay home and take care of my kids. Like everything else its not going to happen!!! I am with a wonderful man, have great friends and once in a blue moon work is good. I hold on to that and try not to think about the things I don't have.

November 7 2009

I can't believe its already November and already seeing Christmas stuff in stores. I've been working my new shift for 3 months now and its nice. I didn't realize how much i hate working nights till i started working days. I will still pick up a few night shifts here and there. Things are still going great with my boyfriend. Twins are 5 months now and growing so fast. My grandma is in a nursing home and everyday I try not to feel guilty for that. Being EMS we see the bad side of nursing homes. Sometimes I feel like we have sent her there to die but i don't want that to happen. I have to encourage her to get out of bed and get moving. We are also taking care of her dog and that has worked out. I have been wanting another dog for Dex to play with. They play constantly and if they are not playing then they are sleeping.
At the end of this month it will be a year. Then hopefully at the end of this year I will be a free woman again. I don't want to rush into anything and I don't want to force the idea of marriage. I don't even want to give hints or even think about the possibility. Before I did all those things and see how that turned out. So now I'm just going to be happy with being girlfriend and boyfirend. If he wants more then he will have to ask. :)

thinking out loud

So its about half way into August and life is going good. I just found out at work that I'm going to mid day shift. Which I have been wanting for some time now. I get to go home and sleep like a normal person. The twins are doing great and are getting bigger. I'm keeping them this Wednesday with my grandma. Living with my boyfriend has been amazing and I love our days off together. Next month we will be on the same work schedule so we will be able to sleep together every night. I know that doesn't seem like much but before we couldn't. As far as my career and work its good. I'm enjoying work and still kind of confused about my career. I know I'm glad I didn't pass my test. If I did then I would be a horrible medic. I know I want to stay with the county for at least 5 years so I can get retirement. Then I could either continue on or find something else to do. Which I'm seriously rethinking about the NR test this fall. Maybe at least trying it one time. It would be nice if I had my paramedic and was divorced by the end of the year. Last year my world wasn't really falling apart but it was being turned upside down. I left my husband and I failed my paramedic test. I don't want to say it fell apart because at the time I had my boyfriend. So he keep it from going all apart. As for my career I have thought about other things. Such as paralegal, farming, baking and maybe even teaching. I thought about opening up my own bakery and selling sweets. Maybe even doing wedding cakes and birthday cakes. It just a thought but it would be fun. So till something jumps out at me I'm here. Working EMS!!! Just I hope all the bad that we see doesn't get to me. Its either stupid or sad!

It's July!!!

So its the 2nd week into July and we are moved. June was so busy and so much going on. The 7 year old is going home Friday and we are off this weekend. Luckily we are not taking him this time!! Yay!! Didn't feel like make a 9 hour drive this weekend. Things I guess went ok with him and we got along. Getting settled in our new house and there is still stuff from previous owner. She was still there on July first and got a free Uhal out of the deal. Oh well there is nothing I can do about it. Just glad she is out of our life and don't have to deal with her anymore. In time we will get all her stuff out and and the cigarette smoke. Work is work!! Re thinking nursing school and taking the paramedic test. I'm afraid if I start nursing school I won't finish. Its a lot of money that I don't have. The idea of being a nurse sounds cool but not going to school. Or working night shift with holidays and weekends. It would be nice to be a normal person and work during the day. Have holidays and weekends off!!! So what am I going to do next? I have no idea. I'm not leaving my job anytime soon and I don't hate my job. Just some days it doesn't feel like its for me. This changes everything and leaves everything up in the air. I hate that and I want to have a plan. If I don't have a plan that I'm working on then I'm not doing anything. I feel like I'm at a stand still! Trying to be patient and wait for the next step.

June 1 2009

Its already June and summer is here. By the end of this month I will be packing to move again. Yay! I love moving! NOT! So this past weekend was very eventful. Went to TN to get my boyfriend's son. Then Sunday I went to Charleston to see my nephews! They were born on Friday and about to discharged from the hospital. So I have never really babysitted before and didn't have to when I was growing up. I was the youngest and there were no kids for me to babysit. Or I just never really thought about getting a job as a babysitter. So being around my nephews and my boyfriend's son is new. I'm not really worried about because they are just kids. The 7 year old can take care of himself and we seem to be getting along. The babies should be fine but I do feel like I need to go over peds again. Im still trying to move everything out of my old place. I won't take long its just going over there and getting the stuff. I am done with paying him! I HOPE! Anywas! I was reading this sweet email not too long ago and it was kind of a love letter. It was an email a guy was sending to this girl that he cared a lot about. I was just reading and thinking this guy is so sweet. Then i realized the email was sent to me. Okay I knew it was when I first started reading it but its hard to believe sometimes. When you spend the last four years of your life with a jerk and its kind of hard to get use to someone being nice to you. I like to read old emails then he sends me when I am at work. It always makes me think how blessed I am. Right now he is right beside me taking a nap! He has been up since 7am because of his son. Tonight I have to go back to work for two nights. Its another long week but after this weekend there is only one. One working weekend before I move to BSL and I can't wait! I'm sure it will be here soon and boxes will be filling my room. I hope we stay in BSL for at least 2 years so I don't have to pack again. Since I have moved out of my parents house I have moved every summer. This year I'm pretty much moving twice. Maybe the next time will be to our new house but that won't be for a few years. Still want to go to nursing school and need to save money. Lots of plans and I hope they all work out. :)